Wishes do come true

Wishes do come true... That is they come true for some. This wish is for my mom, sisters, and brothers. It just so happens that it falls on my moms birthday month.

I tried to send a video and soundtrack - because I truly love the show and song. There were no Hidden agendas or messages to be had with the show - it just happened to be the last show we had seen and loved as a family. I did send the sound track to Mama Mia because it was a VERY good memory and feeling song that bring back beautiful memories of my mom. Unfortunately, my mom felt that I was trying to send some other message. I feel sad that she feels that way, but I can't control the paranoia that is felt by my family due to the problems my father caused. I am not a vengeful person at all.

Well - again my mother expressed that she does not ever want to see or hear from or about me, my children, or my husband. She has also said she is getting a protective order against me. (ummmmm WHAT? I tried to acknowledge her and say I love you on her birthday. How does that deserve a protective order?) Oh well. She did ask what I wanted and I simply said that all I want is for her to say that she loves me. That she can see that I am not the abuse, but that I was abused and that regardless she loves me. She says no. So here is where the granted wish comes in.

My promise to my family -

~ I promise that I will never try to ask you to love me again. I think it has finally sunk in that you don't love me and never will.
~ I promise not to ever try to contact you again in hopes that you will have changed your minds or hearts. Again, I understand that you have conditions - that being my carrying the burden of what happened to me all on my own without disclosing it to anyone thus allowing them to spread ugly rumors about me or think ugly things that have been said about me to hide the vile act of what happened. So destroy me to keep the pretty image that they would like. Afterall, protect the abuser at all costs.
Which is something I cannot do. The secret is out and even if I keep my mouth closed as I have always done... the fact that it is out will never bring back the past or make things right. Trying to get me to DENOUNCE the facts of the past will only be a lie that I cannot do.
So because of your conditions I comprehend that I am not to be a part of your lives.
~ I promise not to ever attempt to be a part of your lives. I understand clearly that I am not what you want in a DAUGHTER or SISTER. I completely understand that I am not of worth to any of you in any way.
~ I promise never to send gifts of any kind - regardless of my good intentions or not. My children and husband... I will ask the same of them.

I attempted to call everyone to officially say goodbye one last time. Heather said that it was a good idea that I never contacted any of you again. She said I have done enough damage. One day I hope you will all finally see that it is not I that have caused the damage - but I can't force you to open your eyes.

I do have some good memories. Lots of ugly ones, but there are good ones. Those are the ones I hope to carry with me. I hope that my family never treats anyone else in the family - or even a friend even close to a tenth of the way they treat me. I am hurt and heart broken, but this is their wish and I am tired of feeling run over all the time by their hatred of me. So your wish is granted. I am dissecting myself from the family for good. I have finally understood what you all have been trying to tell me for years - I am not good enough and never will be.

I have also come to understand something else that I want to make clear. My father hurt me deeply. I have since moved on with my life and broken away from the past. It feels good to move forward and away from that. However, people keep telling me that I have not dealt with the past. I have. I have done wonderfully too. The problem lies in that my family was not able to move forward... and because I am presently being shunned, and told that they wished I was dead or did not exist - the past is splashed all over me again. Well, this is the present. My family needs to deal with it if they choose to. I am over the past, it is the present that I now have to heal from. The abuse that is constantly thrust at me by them.

Jodi Picoult wrote a book "Nineteen Minutes" The very first page reads beautifully in that it is how I feel. I told Nathan that this is how I felt too. So I think that now I comprehend the desires of my family and am going to grant their wish that it is appropriate that I include this:

By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.
You can't undo something that's happened; you can't take back a word that's already been said out loud. You'll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You'll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you, Don't blame yourself; this isn't your fault, but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn't get here by myself.

You'll cry, at my funeral. You'll say it didn't have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me?

More importantly - will I miss you?

Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?

Although I am not dead nor intend to be, the wish of everyone has been made clear - and not in so many words... in THOSE words. I hate to disappoint but my children need me.

I will cry over your loss in my life - but doubt that the same will be done for me.

I in return ask that you don't try to attempt a showing at my funeral if and when I do die. That will not be fair to my family. Besides, I have expressed to all those that do care for me at all that if and when I do die that my children not be exposed to my family in any way or form. This is for their protection.

Honestly - I do know the answer to that question and it is overwhelmingly heartbreaking. I will miss all of you... but know and have been told I will not be missed.

So one last time I love you. I sacrificed myself and my sanity for all of your peace and lives for so long. To have thought that you would offer me your love in return at one point or another... or even a thank you is a hope and dream that I was foolish to think was possible.

For all the outsiders... don't feel that you need to respond. Honestly - it is a hard and sad life and all too often depressing, so if you did not even read this I am not hurt in the least. I am just making sure that there are no questions or he said she said. This is what I have said. I do not deny this post in any way.

In honor of my family - some of my favorite pictures:

My mom holding Miriam - My brothers talking to me at my grandpa's funeral Sept. 2004 just after the twins were born -
My sisters at my wedding Sept. 2, 1995 -


My brothers with me on my wedding -

My sister and brother with me and my kids at bridal veil falls -


My sister when she came up to pick up dogs here in WA. -



My sister and her husband with me when they came to get their dog or dogs here in WA. I was pregnant with Edmond. -

Our family did have great times together. I am going to miss those times. It is too bad that the spouses of my sisters would not take an active role in helping our family heal the way Nathan has. Thank you Nathan for your True love and support.

Cindy